Ileana:
I have been sitting on this for way too long, a combination of childhood trauma with some narcissistic spousal abuse and I still cannot find my voice. Since the day Ralph started sharing stories about mental health and surviving abuse, it has been burning in my soul to speak up and share my experiences. A lot of my hesitation was that I was led to believe that the “statute of limitations” has passed so why bring up old stuff?
Regardless of that fact, I am not looking for justice or to point fingers, I am just trying to heal and let my inner child know that it wasn’t her fault what happened and that NO ONE can ever hurt her like that again.
Writing these words seems almost like a work of fiction but when I was growing up it was frowned upon to speak up if there was any SA because you can’t go making those kinds of accusations. Or even worse, the assailant was protected by the family's reputation and the “Que dirán la gente” B.S. Hispanics throw at you. That “GUILT” that I could ruin the family dynamic if I spoke up, and would most likely be dismissed rather than comforted by those who were supposed to care for me.
I stopped being a little girl and now was wondering how long I could stay away from this person and no one noticed I was acting strange. Because even I was “protecting” their reputation and in a way my innocence. Without any guidance or counseling the next decisions would not be my best. No excuses, just stating my history and the facts of what was to come next.
I put myself in more dangerous situations as a teenager since I felt that “no one cared” anyway. It was a very lonely time. There are so many situations I know happened but thanks to my trauma they are forever blacked out memories. I tried for years with therapy and journaling and even hypnotizing to see if I could find anything to stick but was not successful.
I have feelings and fear of things I do not know but couldn’t tell you what they are, I just know it’s there. Which makes me that much more awkward around people. The best I can do to describe it is like the scene from the notebook:
Noah: Would you stop thinking about what everyone wants? Stop thinking about what I want, what he wants, what your parents want. What do you want? What do you want?
Allie: It's not that simple!
Noah: What do you want? Damn it, what do you want?
Allie: I have to go…
This sort of confusing feeling I carry around has made me very introverted and awkward around new people. And this sucks for me because I love my friends so hard and can’t even show them because I don’t express myself well. Communication skills are horrible, I listen like no one else, I have the patience of God but if you ask me to speak up or share my thoughts, I panic.
Fast forward to my early twenty’s. Becoming a mom was my greatest joy and also an even bigger reason to guard myself from my past. I had to use all my energy to protect my child because I was not protected in my situation and it scared the life out of me. Throughout my teenage years and young adulthood (before I was a mom) I spent all my energy caring for my close friends and the children around me from the fear I had of harm coming to them. Now that feeling grew stronger because it was my child who needed to be protected.
And my child is also the reason I blocked out so much trauma, I needed space for happy memories and milestones. My son, nephews, and all the children in my life have filled me with so much love and joy. I feel like knowing they can be themselves and not know the darkness in me they are so lucky. I will do anything to keep them happy and safe.
Even trying to get my thoughts down has turned into a ramble with no real outcome. I know I have expressed some feelings and somewhat shared my story but there is another part of me that is still being careful about opening Pandora’s box.
I fear that if people knew… they would put me in another category or try to make sense of things and make me relive those moments of hiding, and I don’t want to hide anymore. In no way am I saying I do not want to face it, I would just like to heal and move on without any more pain. When I slip into the darkness, I take weeks to get out. A major toxic trait I developed was isolation from those who cared about me because I thought I could “spare them” from my feelings of hopelessness, pain, and sadness.
Thanks, Ralph for nudging me and sharing your platform to allow me to open up even if it was only a little bit. Baby steps right?…
